|
Affirming life is great, but sometimes we
have to learn to say "no" before we can say ”yes” to life.
Hearing this, we may pause, fearing that we're about to enter
down a pathway of negativity. Do we really want to be negative
in this way? But in fact, it may take a good measure of mental
health to be able to set
boundaries and define ourselves with a ”no.”
It’s a matter of affirming one's personhood.
Beneath the negation there is actually a more significant
affirmation of something. The point is this: there is no love
and no intimacy with others unless we can first define our
own boundaries. It's a matter of the most basic practical
spirituality to say "no" when we need to. Then, from that
position of relative strength, we can enter into relationship
with another person. As strange as it may sound to our ears,
loving someone may start by stepping back from them – saying
"no" and defining oneself – and then finding the capacity
to reach out and build an authentic bridge to that person.
Another aspect of being able to say”no” is
expressing anger. It’s an emotion directly related to saying
"no" to what's going on around you. Of course, we don’t need
to run around blowing our stacks daily, but it’s important
to be able to connect to your personal power to get angry
in the right way, when the occasion calls for it. What’s needed
is a container for that anger which allows you to control
it. Note here that
"control" does not mean "suppression" but instead "proper
direction." It's a crucial distinction!
 Maybe
sometimes we're just trying
too hard to be nice. In fact, "niceness" can be a mask
for a lot of unresolved feelings, such as low self-esteem
and fear. Admittedly niceness is sometimes an authentic expression
of untainted love that arises out of inner strength. (And
for a few very healthy people, ”niceness” may be just that
virtually all of the time.) But a majority of us suffer from
some degree of compulsive niceness, and often it's the way
we put off dealing with life head-on. We're nice because we
don't want to hurt someone's feelings, when in fact they need
something else far more than having feelings protected: they
need genuine human encounter that is honest and purposeful.
But that takes a lot of energy, and it's risky. It's usually
the safer bet just to be nice – to avoid saying "no" and standing
up for yourself – and let the situation pass.
So, if we follow a philosophy that isn’t afraid
to say ”no,” what kind of people would we become? What kind
of world would we have if it were populated by individuals
who were able consciously to get angry, to say "no," and to
even occasionally to tell people to "Go to hell"?
In many, many ways it would be a healthy,
saner world – perhaps even one with less antagonism
and negativity, simply because we would have less bottled
up and repressed energy leaking out in insidious ways. Of
course, the key to this kind of practical spirituality is
to stay in touch with something positive and life-affirming,
even when circumstances challenge us to say ”no.”
Back
to articles
|
